What’s Up, God?
It was a tough stretch…these past few weeks.
Finding housing in the PNW is a challenge in this market. My husband and I had been blessed for the past four years with deeply discounted rent but that was coming to end.
We were wracking our brains and seeking God for provision for the next chapter. Just when we thought we had a plan and began to implement it, we would encounter a new twist necessitating a pivot. At each turn, panic would send up a tendril looking for a place to grab hold. And I would exercise that muscle of stubborn faith, speaking (often aloud), “No matter what my emotions are saying right now, I stand on the truth of who God is: my Jehovah Jireh, the Lover of my soul, Almighty God who has access to all there is. This is who I am choosing to trust in this moment.”
Growing up, life was precarious in many ways related to basic needs like food and housing. Past traumas led me to wonder if I was worthy to have my needs met.
As I continue to journey with God as my most trusted and perfect Father, I am learning to intentionally choose to believe His character over all else: my own ability or power (haha), circumstances, other people’s power (haha) over me, pain or emotions. Above everything else.
This was one of those times where on one hand I knew in my heart that God cared for me & clearly states in the Bible that we do not need to worry about our needs (wha?? still unfathomable to me). On the other hand, my mind looks back on traumas endured & my body remembers vividly - even before my mind recollects.
During this transition to the unknown, on that dark night before the deadline - when I had so many questions stemming from an aching hurt inside—-God lovingly responded: “Lei, you’re asking: ‘Why is this transition proving so difficult for us? What are we doing wrong? Where are you? Why haven’t you provided yet? What is up, God??”
“But you’re asking the wrong questions,” You said.
And then You went on:
“I love you, Lei. Don’t ever doubt that. My ways aren’t your ways (Isaiah 55:8-9); there will always be aspects you won’t be privy to. Do what you have been doing: circle back to My character. ‘Who do say I am?’ This is the question to ask and to answer. ‘Not why haven’t you, God?’ or ‘Why did you, God?’ but ‘Who are you, God?’ ( Matthew 16:15)
Give me the same benefit of doubt that you crave from those who know you well. You’ve grown to treasure that in your relationships; I’m asking you to extend that same grace to Me.
Trust in My love for you.
Sometimes the rough times are less about you and more about those who are watching you. Godliness is produced in the waiting. If you know I am Love, then you know I am trustworthy. Be on guard against lies, seeds of doubt that can take root. Speak truth to your soul. These truths will keep you rooted in the storm.”
And then He proved it.
On the very day of the deadline, He opened a window, showed us a peek, a possibility and brought it to fruition within 28 hours. Because that’s what He is capable of. Because He does care. Because learning about God requires relying upon Him.
It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary. It’s unknown.
But on the other side of the darkest night…comes the dawn. And with it the reality of who He really is.
“Always, everywhere God is present, and always He seeks to discover Himself to each one.”